Purtan Podcast #102: "An Audible Post-Thanksgiving Buffet!"

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Welcome to the weekend after Thanksgiving and Podcast #102! If you're anything like me you're still stuffed, to semi-stuffed, from Thursdays big feast.  (I'm pretty sure I've got gravy still running thru my veins!)

Much like your refrigerator which is probably chock full of leftover goodies, today's Podcast, (with another visit from special guest Tom Delisle) is full of tasty tidbits. 

On The Menu?

- I reveal why my longtime engineer at WXYZ Radio Louie Shook refused to shower with the guys after our "Purtan No-Stars" charity hockey games.

- Jackie explains her 12-year-old son Charlie's outrage that George Washington danced with every other woman at his inaugural ball EXCEPT his wife. (How and why he knows this still baffles me).

- I'll tell you how a joke I told at a recent military fund-raiser bombed (so to speak) because no one in the audience had seen the movie "An Officer and A Gentlemen". 

- We discuss how old Dick Smothers looks in a new commercial for a medical condition called Bartlett's Disease (caused by acid reflux).  

- An embarrassing moment Tom (Delisle) shared with William F. Buckley Jr.

-  Whether or not Jackie will ever be invited over to my house for family get-togethers. (Before you start sending e-mails...It's a joke!) 

And save room...because there's lots more. So take a break from your shopping and tune in to Podcast #102! All you have to do is click! (Talk about FREE SHIPPING!)

Have a great day...and a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick

Gobble! Gobble!

Well it's the day before the Big Day... And whether you're finishing up at work, headed to Grandma's, or trying to figure out what to do with your giblets, take a moment for a little fun! 

As was a tradition on my radio show for many years, and now on dickpurtan.com, I've put up "The Fat Man's Prayer" by actor Victor Buono for your Day-Before-Thanksgiving pleasure. 

It's quick, quite amusing, and best of all...CALORIE FREE! 

Just click on the link below...you'll be "thankful" that you did!

Have a great day today and a Safe and Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!

-Dick

The Fat Man’s Prayer by Victor Buono (2:27)

Breaking News...Santa Tops His Own "Naughty List"!

A 60-year-old Mall Santa was arrested for allegedly pinching the butt of an 18-year-old female elf. 

- It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year...right until the cops show up. 

- If convicted, I'm sure he'll get some nice Stocking Stuffers from the guys in the Pen. 

*****

HUGE SALVATION ARMY PIE SALE!!!!! 

Everything made from scratch by volunteers of the S.A. Girl Guard Program! 

Three delicious varieties: Apple Crumb ($11). Pecan ($11) & Pumpkin ($9). Available at the Salvation Army HQ - 3015 N. Main in Royal Oak or call (248) 585-5600 to place an order! Open 9am to 9pm today, 9am to 6pm Wednesday. All proceeds go to the Girl Guards Program! These pies are delicious and happen to be where the Purtan Family gets our Thanksgiving pies! 

*****

Rodney Dangerfield's widow says she keeps a bottle of the late comedian's sweat in her refrigerator. 

- She says she does it out of respect.

- NOTE: If invited to Rodney Dangerfield's widow's house for dinner...bring your own salad dressing! 

- You don't know wanna know what she keeps in her freezer. 

*****

A 25-year-old woman claims she and Charles Manson plan to get married. 

- With no date set, at this point the wedding plans are really Helter Skelter.

- She says Charlie can't wait to start a family. I hope it's a different kind of family that his last one. 

- Like any bride-to-be she's says she's a bit nervous. Okay, maybe a little more nervous than most...

*****

Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather early next year. 

- He's got plenty of experience from years of changing Keith Richard's diapers. 

- Mick and the baby will have a lot in common...They both need some warm milk to help them get to sleep. 

*****

A 60-year-old Mall Santa was arrested for allegedly pinching the butt of an 18-year-old female elf. 

- So I guess it is the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year...right until the cops show up. 

- If convicted, I'm sure he'll get some nice Stocking Stuffers from the guys in the Pen. 

*****

The Ford Explorer driven by Sarah Palin when she was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, is for sale on eBay. 

- It's got really low milage since the grocery store she shops at in Russia is just a few miles away. 

*****

A Charlotte, North Carolina man died and left his 4,270 sq. ft. home and $250,000 to his two cats, with his family getting nothing until the cats die. 

- Visitation for the cats will be this Friday from 11 to 2 followed by a private burial. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a pre-Thanksgiving treat!

-Dick

Such A Deal???

Secretary of State John Kerry brokered a deal that freezes some parts of Iran's nuclear program - but lifts billions of dollars of sanctions against Iran for 6 months.  

- Kerry said negotiating was tough, but he gave in when Iran's President pinky-sweared that they would stop trying to make bombs. 

*****

In his first post-prison interview, Dr. Conrad Murray the man convicted of killing Michael Jackson insists he didn't kill the King of Pop, but loved him. He said the two were so close, he "held Michael's penis every night and inserted a catheter" to help with his bed-wetting. 

- Okay, that's even creepier than the video for "Thriller". 

- For the doctor that's known as being a BFF WITHOUT Benefits.

*****

President Obama is taking three days off to host fundraisers. 

- He's trying to enough money to buy enough Starbucks coffee to keep his Obamacare website techs awake. 

*****

More pet owners are turning to medical marijuana to treat their pets. 

- Cat owners are using it on healthy cats to mellow them out and stop the bitchy attitude. 

- And you thought your dog begged for snacks now. 

*****

Miley Cyrus did it again... She closed last night's AMA's with a rendition of her hit "Wrecking Ball", and was accompanied by a giant video of a kitten lip-syncing every word Miley sang. 

- Apparently the cat was high on medical marijuana when it agreed to the gig. 

*****

Taylor Swift won four trophies and made history by becoming the first female artist to win "Artist of the Year" for three years in a row. 

- She's got her heart set on winning again next year...so let the dating/breaking-up begin! 

*****

Singer Rhianna won the first ever "Icon" award - the AMA's version of a "Lifetime Achievement Award". She's 25. 

- So apparently in the Entertainment Industry, 25 is the new 90. 

*****

Famous Psychic Sylvia Brown died last week. 

- She never saw it coming!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you here tomorrow as we count down to Turkey Day! 

-Dick

November 22, 1963: 50 Years Later

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #101. I decided to leave this installment up for another week - since - as I write this, on November 22nd, the Nation is remembering that tragic and shocking day 50 years ago, when we lost John F. Kennedy to an assassin's bullet.  In order to add to the things you won's see on TV, we welcome Tom Delisle our good friend, and a longtime friend of the Kennedy Family to my dining room table. 

We talk about how even now, after half a Century, it's hard to believe that the man holding the most important job in the world, so young and vital, could be brought down by a misfit loner like Lee Harvey Oswald with a "lucky shot". 

On a personal note, I'll tell you the story (that frankly still amazes me) of how I ended up interviewing JFK during his presidential campaign...and the bizarre connection to that interview, a lunch that followed, and the man who - three years later - stood outside Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas and told a shocked world that the President was dead. 

Delisle also reveals the amazing chain of events that led Jack Ruby to be in that Parking Garage just as Oswald was being transferred, and ended the Assassin's life with a single shot. 

Tom then also tells us how a good friend of his came to be one of Lee Harvey Oswalds's pallbearers - and how Ruby's gun ended up in Detroit. 

We also explore JFK's eye for the ladies... ONE OF WHOM JOINS US ON THE PODCAST, and how I stood 4 ft. from Kennedy the same day he delivered the famous Cuban Missile Crisis speech. 

So join us for the next 48 minutes as we look back to those unbelievable happenings and incredible days 50 years ago on Podcast #101.

Have a great weekend!

-Dick 

Tigers Trade Prince; Pay A King's Ransom

The Tigers have traded dismal play-off-performing Prince Fielder to the Texas Rangers for 2nd Baseman Ian Kinsler...ALONG WITH A $30 MILLION CHECK to pay for PART of Fielder's remaining contract. Good trade? Bad Trade? 

-They could have saved a lot of money if they'd put him up on "DealDash.com".

- Fans of Fielder are saying the move was "way off base" ...you know, just like he was during the play-offs with the Red Sox. 

- A lot of people are surprised they'd get rid of such a heavy hitter...and I mean HEAVY hitter. 

*****

On October 4th, Catholic Central High School hockey player Matt Sorisho took a clean hit, lost his balance, and slammed back-first full speed into the boards.

His back was broken and Matt was paralyzed from the waist down.  

Last night a benefit emceed by JoAnne Purtan of Channel 7 Action News at the Compuware Arena in Plymouth, raised close to $600,000 to help the family pay for medical costs and mobility equipment that Matt will need in the future. 

If you'd like to make a donation to help this brave young man, go to 

http://www.hockeyhasheart.com

*****

Yesterday, Barack Obama presented the Presidential Medal of Freedom to a group of people who have made significant contributions to the U.S. including Oprah Winfrey and former President Bill Clinton. 

- Obama gave Oprah the medal and she gave him a new car! 

- The President said Bill Clinton has given a great deal to the country...including some things that required treatment with antibiotics. 

*****

Costco has apologized for selling Bibles at one of it's stores in California that were marked "Fiction". 

- Holy Moses!

- Apparently they thought they were the "King James Patterson" version of the Bible. 

- Not that many people complained, since they only went into the store for the free meatball samples. 

*****

McDonalds in China announced that they will begin selling McNuggets made out of Pork. 

- Finally! Sweet and Sour McNuggets! 

- It's a great addition to the Chinese Big Mac which contains "Two all Beef Patties, Chef's Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions on a Wonton Wrapper Bun!"

*****

People magazine is taking heat for naming Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine of NBC's "The Voice" as 2013's "Sexiest Man Alive". Online commentators have raged that he's a "scrawny", "giraffe-necked", "man-orexic", "serial model dater" with a "nasal, whiny voice". 

- But enough from Simon Cowell...  

- Levine wasn't that thrilled about the award saying Nick Nolte was once voted the Sexiest Man Alive and look what happened to him. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

ObamaPalooza?

Michelle Obama went on a talk show hosted by rapper "Bow Wow" and said that her husband, the President, "has swag" and "spends a lot of time in the bathroom just singing". 

- It's beginning to look like he'll have to change his tune about Obamacare. 

- Lately he's been crooning songs like "Promises, Promises", "Desperado", and "Take This Job and Shove It". 

*****

India is planning on putting female monkeys on the pill to help cut down on the monkey population. 

- It's expensive, but compared to the cost of caring for a surplus of monkeys, Indian officials say it's "Chimp Change". 

- They would have used condoms, but the male monkeys don't have a pocket to keep their wallets in. 

*****

Pilots will soon have to have their Body Mass Indexes checked, and if it's over 40 (indicating too much weight), they'll have to be assessed for sleep apnea...which causes interrupted sleep and could affect their performance. 

- Pilots argue they've got plenty of time to catch up on their zzzzzz's during the flight. 

- Some pilots are so big, the front of the plane is now known as the "Crock Pot Pit". 

*****

The city council in Toronto has stripped admitted crack-using, heavy drinking, foul-mouthed Mayor Rob Ford of all powers except his title. Ford shot back that the city council is "Saddam Hussein", he is "Kuwait" and this is war. 

- Prepare for "Operation Desert Stoned".

- You gotta give him props for sorta kinda being up to date...at least back to 1991!

*****

Kayne West has released a new video for his song "Bound 2" that depicts a topless Kim Karsashian riding behind him on a Motorcycle as they roar past famous American tourist spots. 

- First stop: The Grand Tetons. 

*****

- HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius boasted Tuesday that 2 - that's right 2! - Floridians successfully signed up using the Obamacare website yesterday. 

- Wow! Two down...only 300 Million+ to go! 

- It's official: You now have a better chance of winning the Mega-Millions Powerball Lotto than you do of getting health care for your family! 

*****

Tech experts testified in front of Congress yesterday that in addition to all the glitches...70% of the healthcare website hasn't even been built yet.

- Apparently Joe Biden's brother-in-law is building it as a favor and he can only work on it every other Saturday. 

It was also revealed that security on the site is so lax, hackers have already gotten the Social Security numbers and other personal info of thousands of Americans. 

- Why go to the problem of hacking when you can just ask the NSA? 

*****

MSNBC will not invite Alec Baldwin back to host his late night show despite apologizing for his homophobic rant to a photographer. 

- Apparently Rachel Maddow has more pull at the network than people were led to believe. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Obamacare: "One Hundred Milllllllliiion Enrolees?"

During a conference call with community organizers yesterday regarding Health Care, President Obama "misspoke" and told them that "100 Million Americans" have successfully signed up for insurance through the Obamacare website. He apparently meant to say the "100 Thousand" figure that the White House announced last week. 

- The President says he got the idea for "100 Million Americans" after watching Dr. Evil in an Austin Powers movie. 

- This is what happens when you put Joe Biden in charge of the calculator. 

- The only thing 100 Million Americans will successfully get their hands on this month is the McRib Sandwich at McDonalds. 

*****

Speaking of Joe Biden...He said Monday that Obamacare will eventually become a success, then added "God willing". 

- God had no comment. 

*****

A mechanic in Argentina has developed a birthing tool that helps mothers deliver their babies more easily. 

- The hard part is getting her to agree to go up on the hoist. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to the term "The Jaws of Life". 

- The mechanic boasts that he'll also also attach cables to her battery and give her a free jump. 

*****

The American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended that kids under 2 should avoid all screen time on tablets because it slows their development. 

- However it does help kids learn to talk. Just ask their iMoms and iDads. 

- So stick to the old-fashioned way of parenting and plop them down in front of the TV set! 

*****

George Zimmerman has been arrested again, after he allegedly pointed a gun at his girlfriend and locked her out of her own house. 

- She should know better than to come home from the store with a bag of Skittles. 

- Zimmerman claims she bought the wrong brand of coffee forcing him to utilize the "Stand Your Grounds" law. 

*****

Today is National Toilet Day. 

- And Urine-vited to celebrate! 

- Most men will honor their toilet with a Standing Ovation. 

*****

Researchers have discovered that cold weather makes men frisky. 

- Which puts them in a tough spot since it also causes shrinkage. 

- So it's not shoveling the driveway that causes heart attacks, it's thinking about what they're gonna do afterwards!

- No wonder Snowmen always have a smile on their face. 

*****

A new smartphone app called "Panic Me" acts as a panic button so you can alert someone to rescue you if you think you're in trouble or danger. 

- In Toronto, it's known as the "Mayor Rob Ford Just Walked In" button. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

On A Windy Day The Lions Blow A Ballgame!

On a botched fake field goal attempt, the Lions blew a chance to beat the Steelers and ended up losing 37-27 yesterday. It was a hard blow to take on a hard blowing day.

*****

Speaking of blow hards, 660,000 people in Michigan are without power. 

- I haven't heard this much destructive wind blowing since Toronto Mayor Rob Ford gave his last press conference. 

*****

Schools aren't the only ones closed today because of the storm...many local businesses were affected as well. Here's a partial list...

- The "Bottoms Up" strip club in Romulus is closed due to all the dancers being blown off the runway. 

- "Boobs & Brewski's" is open...but will not be serving mixed drinks since all the little paper umbrellas were carried away in the storm. 

- Uncle Joe's "We're Always Open Snack Shack" is closed until further notice. 

- The "Just A Little Off The Top" Vasectomy Clinic in Warren is closed...but the drive-thru window is still operational. 

*****

A man in West Bloomfield brought a home next to his ex-wife and erected a 12-foot statue with a middle finger facing her house. 

- She "erected" a 4 inch statue of something else that faces his house...but nobody noticed. 

- Good to see they're keeping it amicable for the kids. 

*****

Butterball announced that if will not have enough fresh turkeys to meet the demand for Thanksgiving because some of the poultry has had trouble gaining weight. 

- Apparently all the girl Turkeys got together and joined Jenny Craig. 

- Or maybe the stress of knowing they weren't going to live to see Thanksgiving made them too nervous to eat. 

*****

Pope Francis has been named the most talked about person on the Internet. 

- Experts say it's all those pictures he posts of cats dressed up in little Bishop costumes. 

*****

Chris Brown left his "Anger Management" rehab.

- So he could enroll in the "Alec Baldwin Anger Management" program. 

- He like's Alec's clinic because it requires you to "punch the clock". 

*****

The guys from "Duck Dynasty" have released a Christmas CD. 

- Songs include: "Have Yourself a Ducky Little Christmas", "O Holy Duck", "Hark the Herald Mallards Sing", "I'll Beak Home For Christmas", and ""We Three Ducks Of Orient Are". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday. And as we approach the 50th Anniversary of the Assassination of John F. Kennedy this Friday, Nov 22nd, don't forget to check out my new Podcast #101, featuring personal stories about my experiences with JFK, as well inside stories about the assassination and it's aftermath by a friend of the Kennedys, Tom Delisle!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #101: Recalling 4 Days That Shocked The World...

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Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #101. As we approach the 50th anniversary of the Assassination of John F. Kennedy on November 22, we welcome Tom Delisle, a longtime friend of the Kennedy Family to my dining room table. 

We talk about how even now, after half a Century, it's hard to believe that the most important person in the world - so young and vital - could be brought down by a misfit loner like Lee Harvey Oswald with a "lucky shot". And I, who have never bought into any conspiracy theories, reveal how recent events have led me to question things I used to accept as truth. 

While the JFK assassination seems just like yesterday to many of us, we are puzzled by the lack of knowledge and interest young people have about what was undoubtably the "Crime of the Century".

On a personal note, I'll tell you the story (that frankly still amazes me) of how I ended up interviewing JFK during his presidential campaign...and the incredible connection to that interview, a lunch that followed, and the man who - three years later - stood outside Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas and told a shocked world that the President was dead. 

Delisle also reveals the amazing chain of events that led Jack Ruby to be in that Parking Garage just as Oswald was being transferred and ended the Assassin's life with a single shot. 

Tom then also tells us how a good friend of his ended up being one of Lee Harvey Oswalds's pallbearers - and how Ruby's gun ended up in Detroit. 

We also explore JFK's eye for the ladies... ONE OF WHOM JOINS US ON THE PODCAST, How I stood 4 ft. from Kennedy the day he delivered the famohous Cuban Missile Crisis speech. (Not to sound like Forrest Gump, but I also spent the evening with then NYC Mayor Rudy Gulianni, the same night "Shock and Awe" was launched in Iraq). 

And to end on a "high"note...Tom and I tell recall the night we both met the amazing Tiny Tim!!! (That was a different kind of "Shock & Awe")... and on a "low" note (at least from a Father's perspective!) Jackie tells us what she would have done if she was in the ill fated plane with John F. Kennedy Juuuunnnnnior!

So join us for the next 48 minutes as we look back to those incredible days and happenings 50 years ago on Podcast #101.

Have a great weekend!

-Dick 

Scherzer Takes It To The Max!!!

Congratulations to the Tigers' Max Scherzer for Winning the American League 2013 Cy Young Award!

Well Played Max! Well Played!

*****

A survey by Cupid.com found that the Southern drawl is the sexiest accent in America. 

- Which explains why the girls who watch Duck Dynasty think the guys are so HOT!!!

Meanwhile a church group cancelled an appearance by one of the shows stars because he has signed on with a vineyard to produce a series of "Duck Dynasty" Wines. 

- So look for "Mallard Merlot" and "Pinot Grigio a la Orange" coming to a store near you. 

- The guys on the show say the wines go great with cheese and quackers. 

*****

A Dutch University study found that depression speeds up the aging process and makes us older faster. 

- So now people aren't just popping prozac, they're rubbing it all over themselves. 

*****

The governor of Hawaii signed a bill making gay marriage legal. 

- If only this happened during the original "Hawaii Five-0" we would have heard "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Mr. & Mrs. Steve McGarrett! Kiss him, Danno!"

- Question: Whether your gay or straight, when you live and get married in Hawaii, where do you go on your honeymoon? 

*****

Blooper out-takes from the 1991 serial killer movie "Silence of the Lambs" has gone viral. 

- So fire up the computer and have a friend over for dinner! 

*****

Mariah Carey said that despite her $18 million one-season paycheck, being a judge on "American Idol" was like "going to work everyday in Hell with Satan."

- Most viewers had the same feelings about the open audition episodes and they didn't get 18 mil.  

- If she thinks that's bad, she ought to go to work with a few radio program directors I know! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast (#101). As we mark the 50th anniversary of the JFK Assassination, we welcome Tom Delisle back to my dining room table with some more fascinating and personal stories about his times with the Kennedy's. 

-Dick

Introducing the whyPad?!

Apple began selling it's new i-Pad mini yesterday. 

- I prefer old fashioned gizmos like my iPost-It-Note. 

- They got the idea from an employee named Goldilocks who said her regular sized iPad was too big, her iPhone was too small, but an i-Pad mini would be juuuuussssst right! 

*****

Scientists are reportedly working on building a real-life Starship Enterprise in the next 20 years. 

- Their hoping to use the ship to take William Shatner's hair piece to a galaxy far, far away. 

- Trekkies are so excited, they've already started packing up all the stuff in their parents basement for the trip!

*****

The architect of Obamacare said they expected people to switch insurance on their own, instead of getting kicked off their current policy.   

- If that's the case, why didn't they just have somebody from Geiko set up the website??? 

****

Bill Clinton said that Obama should keep his pledge to allow people to keep thier current health care plans if they like them. 

- Hillary added "If anyone knows anything about the importance of keeping pledges, it's Bill". 

- His comments come from personal experience...Bill just loves his intern! I mean Internist! 

*****

The lawyer for Edward Snowden said his client is running out of money. 

- And if he's running out of money, he's going to be running out of lawyers. 

- Snowden says he is considering calling Sam Bernsteinovich. 

*****

Congratulations to Tom Izzo's #2 ranked Michigan State Basketball Spartans who beat #1 ranked Kentucky last night!!! The score was 78-74. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

11-12-13

Today is 11/12/13... A numeric date that won't happen again for a hundred years...on November 12, 2113.  

- Which happens to be the exact date that Kathleen Sebelius is tossing around as the day the Obamacare website will be up and running...for almost all Americans.  

***** 

The U.S. Postal Service has struck a deal with Amazon.com and will be making Sunday deliveries for the internet giant during the holidays in select cities.  

- It's designed for those people who absolutely can't wait 'til Monday to get the "Painless Facial Hair Remover" for that special someone on their list.  

- The U.S. Postal Service is flaunting the agreement saying, "Now there's something Brown Can't Do For You!" 

***** 

Miley Cyrus says that her Godmother Dolly Parton is her role model.  

- Dolly once gave Miley one of her bras as a gift...to use as a one bedroom apartment.  

 - Miley got the idea to smoke pot on stage at a recent Music Awards Show in Amsterdam from her Godfather, Woody Harrelson. 

***** 

Tom Cruise was misquoted in the press when they reported that he said acting in a film can be as hard as fighting in Afghanistan.  

- He meant to say  it was as hard as fighting in Iraq.  

- You can read the whole story in the Scientology Magazine: "Making the Most of Your Reprogramming".  

***** 

Angela Lansbury says she thinks it's a mistake for NBC to do a new show called "Murder She Wrote" with a completely new set of actors and characters.  

- That's because all of the original stars, including her, are cast members on "The Walking Dead".  

***** 

Two New York women are suing a lingerie company that claims it's "shape wear" burns cellulite by using tiny caffeine capsules imbedded in the fabric.  

- The company claims they didn't lose weight because they added too much cream and sugar to their spanx. 

- Call me crazy, but I've always preferred my wife in Decaf Lingerie.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!  

-Dick  

Veteran's Day 2013

To All Those Who Have Served In Order To Preserve Our Freedom... THANK YOU!

 *****

You woke up this morning and the Detroit Lions are in sole possession of 1st Place in the NFL North Central Division... Do You Believe In Miracles?

***** 

A German newspaper is reporting that Swedish pop group ABBA is considering a reunion next year. 

- ABBA back together? Mama Mia!  

- Germany has secret plans to invade Sweden while everyone in the country is at the concert.  

***** 

People are still talking about Matt Lauer and Al Roker's colonscopy on the Today Show last week.  

- The segment answered that pressing question "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer's Butt?"

- As predicted by Al, after the procedure both he and Matt experienced "heavy winds".  

***** 

Facebook has unveiled a new "Like" button, dropping the cartoon thumbs up in favor of the company's lowercase "f" logo.  

- If they added a cartoon "Middle Finger"...we'd finally have that "Dislike" button everyone's been clamoring for.  

 *****

The Food and Drug Administration reportedly has a plan to completely ban trans fats from the food supply.   

- Great. Just when we finally got our Twinkies back.  

***** 

New video has surfaced of admitted crack user, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, screaming the F-word 15 times.  

- He explained it away by saying he doesn't usually swear, but was incredibly drunk at the time.  

***** 

There's a new bacon scented deodorant for men that is supposed to drive women wild.  

- Or they can just stick to dating the fry cook at McDonald's.  

- I can hear the jingle now..."My deodorant has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R..." 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday. And no matter what else you do today, take a moment to thank a Veteran!  

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #100: "Celebrate Good Times...C'mon!"

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Welcome to the weekend...and as hard as it is to believe (at least for me)...PODCAST #100! As you read this, confetti and thousands of balloons are falling from the roof of Podcast Central, aka my dining room! (Actually there's just a couple of ceramic Pilgrims and some Turkey-scented potpourri - and they were there anyway).

To commemorate this Pod-umentus occasion, I invited my wife Gail, my daughters, and all the grandkids to join me at the table. To those who had other commitments and couldn't make it, I understand completely! And I'm sure they'll understand the upcoming "adjustments" in my will).  

In all honesty, Gail, and daughters Jackie, Jill & Julie, had a great time talking about everything from how the Tiger's new Manager Brad Ausmus' good looks will definitely make it more fun for them to watch Tiger games...to the obscene amount of money Prince Fielder makes PER PITCH. 

We also find out what huge social networking site is now "out" with teenagers (according to Jill's 16-year-old daughter Julia)  and what's the latest and greatest for the high school set. (OMG! It's like...whatever!")  Meanwhile Julie's 22-month-old son Brayden's love of Toy Story reminds us of a hysterical moment in Detroit TV history involving Carmen Harlan, Chuck Gaidica, Devin Scillian, "Woody" and "Buzz Lightyear" (News anchors say the darndest things!)

Plus we'll tell you why you should NEVER stick your hand in a bag of grapes & why Bruno Mars upcoming appearance at the Superbowl is causing "sour grapes" among some football fans. 

Our discussion of a new study that claims women with bigger butts are more intelligent leads Jackie's 12-year-old son Charlie to ask why we're discussing women's butts on the Podcast. (He's a smart kid...although when he showed us his latest Spanish homework assignment we find out he's more of a "smart ass" sometimes).  

On a sad note, we talk about the recent passing of Detroit Radio Jock - and our good friend from the WOMC days, Don Phillips.  

But fear not...We end on an uplifting note...how the girls really feel about wearing their Bras. (Something every father wants to hear).  

So grab a noise maker, put on a funny hat and join a whole bunch of Purtans as we celebrate PODCAST #100!!! 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick

Obamacare: The Musical!

Singers Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood opened last night's CMA's (Country Music Awards) with a musical spoof on the failure of the Obamacare website, to cheers from the audience. 

- So look for upcoming Country hits about a guy losing his wife, his dog, his pick-up, AND his health care plan.  

***** 

Meanwhile, there are growing calls for HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, the one in charge of the failed website, to resign, after it was revealed that she knew for months in advance that it wasn't going to work.  

- Former NSA leaker Edward Snowden said, "She should have listened to me. I told her it was going to bomb last Spring!" 

***** 

When Sharon Osbourne sat down on the set of the "Arsenio Hall Show" and was asked what makes her show "The Talk" different from it's competitor "The View", she launched into a rant saying that with the exception of Barbara Walters, "Everyone else on that show can go F--- themselves".  

- She would have included Barbara, but Sharon is still hoping to make the cut for Bab's "Ten Most Fascinating People of the Year" Special.  

- So far, no comment from the gals over at "The View" - marking the first time in history they haven't offered up their opinions on ANYTHING.  

***** 

The government announced that the top tech officer in charge of building the Obamacare website has resigned after deciding that he "was going to move into the private sector".  

- In other words, he's movin' into his parents basement.  

- How is it possible that he got to keep his job long enough to actually resign??? 

 - If you want to follow his progress, just friend him...as soon as he figures out how to get on Facebook. 

***** 

Blockbuster announced it will close its remaining 300 retail stores. 

- Am I the only one on the planet who didn't know that Blockbuster still HAD any retail stores?  

- This is good news for people who still haven't returned their VHS copy of  "The Big Chill".  

***** 

Sting and Paul Simon are going to be touring together starting in February.  

- Art Garfunkel would have joined them, but he's not allowed to drive at night.  

- Sting is getting so old, he no longer performs with "The Police". Instead he calls them to report his noisy neighbors for playing loud music after 7pm. 

***** 

India announced plans to join the race to send a manned mission to Mars.  

- So now when you call for tech help on your computer, the guy on the other end of the line is gonna be even further away than he is now.  

***** 

Have a great a day and don't forget to drop by tomorrow as we offer up our 100th PODCAST!!!!!  They'll be something for the whole family...including mine! 

- Dick

Duggan Digs In As New Mayor Of The D!

From Election Central... 

Mike Duggan beat Benny Napoleon with 55% of the vote to become the next Mayor of Detroit.  

-What a feeling it must be to wake up and know you just became the head of the largest Bankrupt city in America!   

***** 

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted to smoking crack while wildly intoxicated about a year ago. He apologized and refused to resign.  

- But just in case he's forced out of office he's looking into other lines of work that don't have a problem with crack. Like plumbing.  

***** 

 Scientists say that women with larger-that-average butts are more intelligent.  

- If this is true, the Kardashian sisters are actually over-qualified to be members of MENSA.  

Meanwhile...Kris Jenner says she and Bruce Jenner are "still close" despite going through a divorce.   

-Does it ever end with these people? Someday it will...and it will be a BIG END! 

***** 

A study shows that prostitution in the U.S. is on the decline.  

- But more people are hiring lawyers, so basically a lot of people are still getting, well, you know!  

***** 

Zoos around the country are using a beagle with a trained sense of smell to let them know when their polar bears are pregnant.  

- It beats the old method of having the bear pee on a stick.  

- Zoos are also using another dog with a trained sense of smell to let them know when their Bears are Bi-Polar.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Hurray! Hurray! It's Election Day!

From a new Mayor for Detroit (Duggan or Napoleon) to a proposal in Ferndale to legalize small amounts of marijuana for "personal use", there's plenty to head to the polls for today. 

- Coincidentally it's also election day in Prison and Kwame is said to be a shoe-in for "Mayor of the Yard". 

***** 

On the National level, incumbent NJ Gov. Chris Christie is predicted to re-capture his Governorship by a landslide.  

- Then again, pretty much anytime Chris Christie stands up, it causes a landslide.  

***** 

In a speech last night, President Obama denied saying that he promised all Americans that "if you like your health-care plan, you can keep your health-care plan, Period." The only problem is, he's been captured on tape at least 29 times saying that very thing.  

- Apparently he doesn't realize that the only people who don't know what he promised are the same two guys who still have no idea that just 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance. 

 *****

Kellogg's is laying off 7% of it's workforce due to low cereal sales.  

- When Tony the Tiger was shown his early retirement package, he said "Well that's Grrreat! NOT!"

-  Luckily, the employees still have their 401 Special K's to fall back on.   

***** 

Miami Dophins lineman Richie Incognito was suspended Sunday while the league investigates allegations that he was bullying a rookie teammate. He lashed out on Twitter against critics saying they're hiding behind "unnamed sources".  

 - This from a man who's last name is "Incognito". 

***** 

Justin Bieber was rushed out of of a Brazilian brothel by his security team with a sheet over his head.  

- It was easy to identify him because his security team used the Beebs own Spongebob sheet to cover his face. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! And don't forget to make your voice heard today... VOTE! 

-Dick

"The Catcher Is The Guy"

Sorry...because of the storms - our internet was down over a huge sports weekend! 

First MSU dominated Michigan for the fifth time in the last 6 years with a 29-6 victory. Congrats to the Green and better luck next year to the Blue! 

Plus... The Tigers have a new manager. Though he's never been a Baseball manager, most "experts" seem to think he's the right guy for the Tigs. With 18 years behind the plate (one of those - the 1999 season - with the Tigers) he knows the intricacies of the game.  And, according to my six daughters, he's a lot better looking than the previous manager. (No offense, Jim!)

***** 

After it was revealed that the United States had been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the 2 countries agreed to talk it out.

-  What’s the big deal? It’s not like they don’t follow each other on Twitter!

***** 

NSA Leaker Edward Snowden got a job working for a Russian Website.

- His first day on the job, he told everyone at the company who their “Secret Santa” was.

***** 

Pope Francis now has 10 million followers on Twitter.

- He’s also considering launching a dating site for single Christians similar to ChristianMingle.com. The Pope’s is called: MatchMadeInHeaven.com.

- This weekend he sent one out reading: “So tempted to buy Apples at Market! #Adam&Eve”

***** 

Despite Iran’s new President “suggesting” that his people stop chanting the phrase “Death to America,” the country’s Revolutionary Guards said they’re committed to using it.

- I guess "America Sucks" just didn't have the same "punch".  

- To be honest, they don’t have the money to buy new Business Cards.

 ***** 

Meanwhile Tehran is going ahead with it’s 34th annual “Death to America” festival later this month.

- It’s hard to believe it’s been 34 years! We were all so young and innocent during “The Summer Of Hate”…

******       

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! And don't forget to check out Podcast #99 now up for your listening pleasure! Just click on the Podcast button at the top of this page!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #99: "Halloweeners & Losers"

Click to download Podcast 

 Welcome to November…and Podcast #99! Today I welcome my wife Gail, my daughter Jackie and her 12-year-old-son Charlie to the dining room table. 

As we recorded on Halloween, Charlie was decked out in his costume, gray-haired Superhero “Danny Phantom”. I was, of course, dressed as my personal hero, Count Scary! "Ooooh that's..." (you know the rest of it!)

I then told Charlie a "fascinating story" of the time I dressed up in a giant rabbit suit to take his mom and her sisters around the neighborhood. He said "Great story" and left to go watch Spongebob in the other room on Nickelodeon.

We then continue with a discussion of the decision by an American University to ban Cowboy and Indian costumes. "Too offensive". Right... John Wayne must be spinning in his grave. 

Then we get down to the real brass tacks with a critical look at Obamacare. Not just the website failure – but how the numbers really add up for Americans – including Jackie who has independent insurance, and got a letter on Oct. 1st saying that the plan she has (and likes!) will no longer exist after December 31st.  Gail and I know our letter is "in the mail" too. Now I'm no Einstein Bagel…but this whole thing seems like one big, incredibly expensive boondoggle. (And no one's even sure if "boondoggles" will be covered!) 

On a lighter note, we tell you about a new website that actually DOES work… It can tell you if anyone ever died in the house you’re living in. (It’s a great way to break the ice when you have friends over for dinner!) 

We also ponder how Henry Winkler went from being “The Fonz” to an old guy on TV selling reverse mortgages, and talk about the hilarious commercials for the Dodge Ram featuring Will Ferrell, a horse and a pony. 

We also manage to work in some annoying commercials (does Deal Dash ring a bell?), how Jackie nearly bored her boyfriend too death, and how an episode of Jeopardy made me feel like, uh, ya know, real smart. 

It ends with a special gift for Jackie for a very special reason. (No…she’s not having a baby!)

So put away your pumpkin, dive into the leftover Halloween candy and treat yourself to Podcast #99!

Have a great weekend…Don’t forget to turn your clocks back Saturday night…and I’ll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick