McCain Plays Poker During "Full House" Congressional Mtg...

Arizona Senator John McCain was caught by a photographer playing poker on his iPhone during yesterday’s Congressional hearing on Syria. McCain admitted he’d been gaming during the event, tweeting that the worst part was “I lost!”

- The media immediately blamed his poker loss on Sarah Palin. 

*****

After 3 1/2 hours of testimony urging Congress to approve military action in Syria, the Congressional panel says they’re “close” to making a decision. 

- They’re even closer to making a decision to vote themselves a pay raise!

***** 

A woman in China turned herself in after boiling her dead husband in a pressure cooker. 

- Like so many marriages, it started out Sweet and ended up Sour. 

*****

Speaking of China, a man there has invented a new device to help men who have bad aim when it comes to using public urinals. The device is called the “Pee Straight”. 

- You can also use it to write your name more legibly in the snow. 

- North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has asked the guy if he can create a similar device to help his firing squads hit their targets better.  

*****

If you’ve noticed Jack Nicholson hasn’t been in any movies lately, it’s because he decided to quietly retire from acting back in 2010. Insiders say memory problems make it too hard for him to remember his lines. 

- Hey, at his age, you figure “Something’s Got To Give”. 

- Doctors say he started having memory problems on purpose after doing that naked hot tub scene with Kathy Bates. 

*****

A former employee of Facebook claims there is no privacy at the company. 

- He says management put up a post when he was terminated that said “We just fired Bob! Can we get 100,000 Likes in an hour?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Back To School Daze!!!

It’s the day after Labor Day, and there are a whole lot of boys and girls with notebooks and pencils running up and down hallways with confused looks on their faces today, trying to figure out whats going on.

- And that’s just in Congress!

(btw…Good Luck to all the little and not-so-little-nippers heading back to school today!)

*****

The world may be holding it’s collective breath about what President Obama will do about the situation in Syria, but there’s something even more important going on overseas…

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea visiting his good friend Kim Jong Un. Rodman says he’s not there to be a diplomat, he just on vacaton and wants to “have fun and hang out” with Un. 

- If he’s not careful Un will have him “hanging out” on the gallows! 

*****

George H.W. Bush apologized for sending condolences on the death of still-alive Nelson Mandela on Sunday.

- Mandella accepted the apology but added, “I was surprised at the remark. I thought George H.W. Bush died a few years ago.”

*****

It’s reported that women are selling positive pregnancy tests on Craig’s List for other women to use to blackmail their boyfriends into marrying them.

- Women are sending negative pregnancy tests to Anthony Weiner to try to get him to stop tweeting!

- Ironically, most of the men being blackmailed hooked up with the women on Craig’s List in the first place.

*****

Even though high activity was predicted, there were no Atlantic hurricanes in August. 

- So far the highest winds along the East Coast have consisted of all the hot air coming out of Washington about what to do with Syria.  

*****

At the age of 64, long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad has become the first person to swim the 110 miles from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. 

- She was alone in the water except for some Cubans crammed into a ‘57 Chevy on an inflatable raft. 

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#91) up now on the Homepage! See you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #91: "It Had To Be Lou!"

Welcome to the Unofficial Last Week of Summer! No matter what you’re doing for the holiday - be it shopping for back-to-school supplies or BBQing burgers and brats, take some time to tune into my latest Podcast (#91)!

Today regular Podcasting partner daughter Jackie and I welcome my old radio buddy Lou Roberts to the dining room table. If you grew up listening to Detroit radio, than you know Lou - if not by name, then by voice! We worked together at 95.5 before he left radio to become a full time free-lance commercial voice-over guy. You may not know it, but he may have convinced you to buy a car and a lot of other things over the years! 

Lou shares some memorable moments including the time he locked himself out of the station during his show, leading to a half hour of dead air before he was finally able to jimmie the door open. And another time when his career was nearly de-railed by an ill-timed extremely long train, which he had to navigate around…on foot. 

At the end of Podcast we find out that Lou has a hidden talent (other than breaking into locked buildings) that none of us knew about: He’s one heckuva Piano Player! And he proves it as he “plays us out” on the Purtan Family piano! 

So wave goodbye to August and say hello to Podcast #91! 

Have a great Holdiay Weekend and I’ll “See You In September”. 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #91

It Doesn't Pay To Be "A Very Excellent Horse-Like Lady!"

Kim Jong Un executed his former girlfriend, and 12 other performers for allegedly releasing provocative videos of themselves, but experts say Un’s wife was jealous of his former flame’s popularity. His ex was best known for her 2005 hit song “Very Excellent Horse-Like Lady”. 

- Suddenly having an ex boyfriend say something mean about you on Facebook doesn’t sound so bad. 

- Un refers to his wife as “the old ball, chain, and firing squad commmander”. 

*****

Business is down at brothels in Nevada forcing the “ladies” to offer discounts on their services. Madams blame the decline of “customers” to the high price of diesel fuel, leaving truck drivers with less money to spend.

- Nowadays of course  they can just go online an watch Miley Cyrus “twerk” for free. 

- Another problem is the guys are using “Groupons” so they can get two-lap dances for the price of one…of course in this business the “Groupons” are known as “Grope-ons”.

*****

Funeral directors in Detroit received an e-mail from the city back in July saying they could no longer provide them with Death Certificates because they ran out of paper and couldn’t afford to buy any. The shortage only lasted five days. 

- So the good news is, if you died in Detroit during the second week of July, technically, you’re still alive!!!

*****

The White House has asked Bill Clinton to give a major speech explaining how Obamacare works.  

- He’ll deliver it as soon as they can find someone who actually knows how it works and can explain it to Bill. 

- Bill did say he that supports Obamacare because it involves “medical interns”. 

*****

A new study finds that people who work more than 50 hours a week are making themselves physically and mentally ill. 

- This explains why everybody in the US Congress is fit as a fiddle! 

*****

Every single one of the nearly 25,000 candidates to the University of Liberia failed the schools admission exam. 

- So now the only people attending the school will be the football players. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an fellow radio buddy of mine on a brand new Podcast!

-Dick 

"Syria-ously???"

The Obama Administration is facing criticism after revealing exactly when the US will launch it’s retaliatory military attack on Syria for using Chemical weapons on it’s own people, and even naming the types of missiles that will be used in the attack. 

- Syria’s leaders called to thank the Prez saying the info will allow them to firm up their vacation plans. 

- Looks like the White House beat Edward Snowden to the punch! 

- TIP OF THE DAY: Next time you’re going out of town, leave a big sign on your front lawn that you’re not home so criminals will know when to break in. 

*****

Convicted “leaker” Bradley Manning’s request for hormone therapy and gender-reassignment surgery so he can live his life behind bars as a woman named “Chelsea”, has been denied by the US Army. 

- The only ones more depressed than Manning are all the guys in the prison he’s going to be living with. 

*****

The Oxford Dictionary announced this year’s list of “new words” to be added to their dictionary. They include “Digital Detox” (spending time away from social media), “Selfie” (the racy pictures people take of themselves and then tweet) and “Twerk” (to dance in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance). 

- Our fervent hope is that Anthony Weiner sticks to taking Selfies and leaves the Twerking to professionals…like Miley Cyrus. 

*****

Russian Police raided an art gallery and seized a painting of President Vladimir Putin in women’s lingerie, claiming it had broken some unspecified law. 

- So in Russia it’s okay for the Prez to go topless, he just can’t wear a bra. 

- The artist said he was inspired by something he saw at the J. Edgar Hoover Gallery. 

*****

Alec Baldwin got into another scuffle with a photographer when he tried to snap a pic of Alec and his week-old baby, grabbing the paparazzo and pinning his arms behind him. 

- He was just in a bad mood because his infant daughter doesn’t have a cell-phone yet, so he couldn’t leave a voicemail calling her a pig. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Weiner-Mobile Escapes Being Rear-Ended...

Anthony Weiner was involved in a minor car crash in NYC. 

- Apparently he was looking at his GPS at the time…his Global Penis Satellite. 

*****

It’s now being reported that some NSA employees spied on their love interests. 

- That’s why Anthony Weiner took so many pictures of his penis.

*****

Miley “Hannah Montana” Cyrus is still taking heat for her over-the-top sexually charged performance at Sunday Night’s MTV Video Awards.  Even while the performance was going on she broke the record for the most tweets about a celebrity per minute at 306,000.

- Anthony Weiner still holds the record of most tweets sent by a pervert per minute at 206,000.  

- Walt Disney was spinning so fast in his grave people thought it was a new ride. 

*****

Secretary of State John Kerry declared that it’s “undeniable” that Syria has chemical weapons. 

- His first clue came when he saw the cannisters marked “Chemical Weapons” lying around the scene of the attack. 

*****

Canadians are the most active Facebook users in the world. 

- It’s a nice break from watching hockey. 

- It’s a nice break from drinking beer. 

*****

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. 

- Well that’s one way to get your teenagers to eat healthy! 

- Ironically, the guy pushing the idea has smoked so much marijuana he actually is a vegetable. 

*****

Taylor Swift’s childhood home in Reading, PA is for sale. 

- It comes with the teeter-totter she sat on when she broke up with her pre-school boyfriend.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Is This Somebody's Idea Of A Joker???

Hundreds of thousands of people have been tweeting, voicing their objection to the annoucement of Ben Affleck being cast as the new “Batman”.  

- In response Ben tweeted “ARGO ______ Yourself!”

*****

Doctors say that some people are texting so much that they’re seeing a rising number of “Sleep Texting”…people who are sending texts in their sleep. 

- So if you get a baffling text at 4am about what a great “Batman” Ben Affleck is gonna make, you can chalk it up to that. 

*****

Scientists are working on a new space telescope that will produce images 10 times sharper than the Hubble Telescope. 

- Now the NSA will be able to read your emails right off your computer screen instead of having to secretly upload them.

*****

A study in the UK by the  Allergen Research Group found that the average single woman changes her sheets every 2.3 weeks, and the average single man changes them four times a year.

- Conclusion: Ladies, if you decide to sleep it with your boyfriend, do it at your house. 

*****

Another UK survey by a skincare company determined that women are most at peace with their naked bodies when they’re 34.

- That’s also the age when a lot of men begin to accept the fact that they too should be wearing a bra.

*****

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner will resign as part of a deal to settle more than a dozen sexual harrassment lawsuits filed against him.

- He’s taken a new job in the medical field, as a hands-on physical therapist at a Women’s Prison.

*****

The makers of Oreos are being accused of using less than double the amount of cream filling in their Double Stuff Oreos.

- Will Michael Moore never stop working to improve the lives of Americans? 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Turn Up The Volume To Hear "Volume 3"!!!

Because my IT guy is on vacation, I’m unable to put up my usual weekly Podcast. (Translation: I don’t know how to do it). But this gives me the chance to put up some of my favorite stuff from my radio show. 

This week we feature the remarkable talents of Gene Taylor (The Bagman) with a Ladie’s of Harley Poem, and Mark “Doc” Andrews with a couple of his Gordon Kinkaid Pop Quizes. In addition, I selected one of my favorite Joe Noune (Coleman Young) bits. And finally a short one with yours truly talking about Sinead O’Conner and the Pope. 

In listening to these cuts I’m reminded of all the good times we had and how much I miss Gene and Doc, who both left this earth much too soon. 

I hope you enjoy listening to these selections from “The Best of Purtan - Vol. 3” - 1992.

-Dick

Gene Taylor - The Ladies Of Harley (2:08)

Doc Andrews - Gordon Kinkaid Quicky Quiz (1:03)

Doc Andrews - Gordon Kinkaid Educational Pop Quiz (1:16)

Dick - Sinead O’Conner & The Pope (:45)

Joe Noune - Dick, Mayor Young & The Hermaphrodite (2:15)

Gene Taylor - Ladies of Harley Poem

"Hear No Evil, See No Evil, LEAK No Evil!"

Bradley Manning, the soldier who revealed government secrets to Wikileaks, was sentenced to a surprisingly light 35 years in prison. 

- He could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he’d just gone into professional football like his brothers Peyton and Eli. 

- The light sentence came as a surprise to everyone but Bradley. He’d given a copy of the judge’s decision to Wikileaks weeks ago. 

*****

Manning, who made “gender confussion” a big part of his defense says he will begin hormone therapy and begin living life as a woman named Chelsea. 

- Looks like somebody’s Prison dance card is filled for the next 35 years!

- “Chelsea” says like all women, she wants a magical wedding to the man of her dreams…Eric Snowden. 

*****

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, who has been accused of groping 18 different women, has now reached a tentative deal. 

- He goes to jail…but gets to share a cell with Bradley Manning. 

*****

Richard Branson has raised the price of a trip into space on his Virgin Galactic airline from $200,000 to $250,000. 

- For the extra $50 grand, you get a round trip. 

*****

Researchers have developed a smart phone app that decodes a baby’s cry to let the parents know if the child is hungry, tired or “uncomfortable”. 

- I thought we already had an App for that…it’s called MOM. 

*****

Ex-Pope Benedict says he quit because God told him to resign during a “mystical experience”. 

- That, or somebody was dipping into the Papal wine rack more than Sunday mornings.  

*****

The Obamas just got a second dog. 

- The Prez immediately hired an official “Pooper Scooper” for the dog, thus created another “shovel ready job”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow. And Heads Up! In lieu of a Podcast, Friday I’ll be posting a handful of “Best Of” cuts off the “Best of Purtan” Vol. 3. Get ready for Gene Taylor with a “Ladies of Harley” poem, Joe Noune as Mayor Young talking about hermaphrodites, and Doc Andrews as Gordon Kinkaid with two pop quizes! Plus more! Don’t miss it!!!

-Dick

Putting the "Dumb" In The "D"!

Due to a counting error, it turns out Benny Napoleon actually beat write-in candidate Mike Duggan in the Detroit Mayoral primary. 

- If they can’t count ballots, no wonder the City of Detroit can’t count dollars! 

*****

President Obama’s healthcare plan is going to have a surcharge for smokers to discourage smoking.

- Meanwhile, the country wants to charge the Government a surcharge for whatever it was they were smoking when they came up with “Obamacare”. 

- There will also be an added charge for people who refuse to eat an apple a day in order to keep the doctor away. 

*****

New research found that people who have sex at least 4 times a week make significantly more money than those who don’t. 

- Well sure…they’re called “Hookers”!

- Men who take Viagra reported a definite rise…in their income. 

- Wow. Who woulda thunk a nerd like Bill Gates would be getting lucky so often?

*****

There are now 16 women alleging sexual harrassment against San Diego Mayor Bob Filner.

- Hizzonner must have more money than we thought.

*****

A group of illegal immigrants from Mexico is protesting at a Chicago hospital, demanding free organ transplants.

- You gotta be kidney-me!

- News of the protest spread by word of mouth…They all called each other on their free Obamaphones.

*****

Lindsay Lohan said she hopes to move on from her troubled past and get back to work. 

- Let’s be honest, at this point does anyone actually remember what work Lindsay used to do that she wants to get back to?

*****

Randy Jackson of the Jacksons blasted angry tweets at his family members for putting Michael’s daughter Paris in a psych ward, saying that she sems perfectly normal to him. 

- Then again in that family, collecting dead people’s bones, having interchangable noses, and building a roller coaster in your backyard are all considered “normal”. 

*****

Dick Van Dyke escaped death when his car exploded on an L.A. freeway and he was pulled to safety. 

- Dick was tripping all over himself thanking the guy for saving him.

- Mary Tyler Moore immediately sent him a tweet reading “Oh Rob!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"Fifty Shades of Turning Grey..."

There’s a growing trend for “death cafes,” places where people gather drink coffee, eat cookies and talk about dying. 

- In the old days, we called that “My grandmother’s kitchen table”. 

- It’s kind of like a regular book club, but they read the last chapter first, just in case. 

*****

Amazon’s website went down for about half an hour on Monday, but it wasn’t immediately clear if it was due to a cyberattack by hackers or terrorists. 

- The State Department said it was caused by a few guys upset about an anti-Amazon video they saw on YouTube. 

- There’s another possibility…the site crashed as soon as the “Hackers for Dummies” book was put on sale for half off. 

*****

Anthony Weiner in fourth place in the latest NYC Mayoral Race Poll of likely voters. 

- If you want to know just how down he is about it, I’m sure he’d be happy to send you a Tweet. 

- Weiner insists that despite his troubles, he’s just a normal guy who takes his pants off one leg at a time, just like everybody else. 

*****

Chris Christie is making it easer for New Jersey kids with doctor’s notes to get medical marijuana for certain illnesses. 

- Apparently he doesn’t realize that the move is seriously going to cut into the amount of Doritos available to him. 

*****

Al Qaeda tried to improved its image by hosting a family fair in Syria…complete with ice cream and promotions for jihad. 

- They even had carnival games like “Skee Ball” and “Whack-an-American”.

- One woman learned the hard way that wearing her “I’m With Stupid” Burka didn’t go over to well. 

- Everyone loved the fireworks show at the end of the evening…until they realized “Jihad The Clown” had accidentally blown himself up. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

"Va Va Kaboom!!!!!"

Al Qaeda’s chief bomb maker has reportedly developed an explosive for female suicide bombers that is hidden inside breast implants. 

- The most popular one is the 36-TNT.

- Women who’ve gotten the implants say the explosions they cause look and feel “really natural”. 

- Islamic terrorists have filed a petition to keep any and all virgins from getting the implants. 

*****

A verterinarian at Kansas State Universtity says there is a dog STD that can be spread to humans. 

- The results were published in “Man’s Best Friend With Benefits” quarterly. 

*****

Fresh out of Sex Rehab, San Diego Mayor Bob Filner is set to head back to work today, but he’s been banned my many local businesses, including “Hooters” for being “too disrespectful to women”. 

- And if anybody knows how to treat women with respect, it’s Hooters. 

- On the bright side…Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, and Anthony Weiner have invited him to join their foursome in the upcoming “Political Perverts Golf Outing”. 

- Filner reportedly has a back-up plan if he’s kicked out of office: He’s going back to school to become a gynocologist! 

*****

Tim Tebow struggled in his pre-season home debut for the New England Patriots with just one completion and one interception. 

- But hey, at least he didn’t kill anybody like Aaron Hernandez did…allegedly! 

*****

A German tech company has invented a pen that vibrates when you make a spelling mistake.

- This proves two things: My doctor is a bad speller, and has been using a pen like this for years. 

*****

A Utah beauty ageant winner has given up her title after being arrested for throwing bombs at houses. 

- They’re first hint should have been when she came in dead last in the “Miss Congeniality” contest. 

- Some beauty queens sing opera, some throw bombs. Everybody’s got their own talent. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #90: What's Up Doc???

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #90! In this go-around, we welcome Dr. Larry Lawson back to the old dining room table. Yes…I said, “Doctor”.  Larry voiced “The Story Lady” and “Wendell Ledbetter” on my show but is a Radiologist in real life. (I guess that explains why I always thought he could see right thru me…)

We talk showbiz…(Both Jackie and Larry originally misunderstood which one the of the Smothers Brothers was the “straight” one and exactly what that meant). And speaking of comedians, we give you the “real story” behind the ill-fated Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien late night fiasco.

Then we click our heels together three times and end up talking about Oz…Dr. Oz that is. I’ll tell you about a recent episode of his show, where he was “the victim” if you will. His staff got together and revealed a certain “medical problem” that Dr. Oz suffers from that is so embarrassing I’m amazed he let the show air! (So to speak!)

Jackie shares a story involving her boyfriend, her guest bathroom and some polident that left her red-faced (in a minty clean kind of way) and we discuss the giant blob of fat found in a London Sewer (apparently Micheal Moore is getting liposuction done “across the pond”).

I also tell you two real-life stories that happened to me at the Michigan State Fair (and no, neither one involves a rodeo clown wearing an Obama mask), plus Larry treats us to one of his “Krapco” commercials, and we end on an almost unbelievable audio recording of Al Sharpton accidentally making up a word in a story about… Well, you’ve got to hear it to believe it! 

So click your heels together and follow us down the Yellow Brick Road to Podcast #90! 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #90  (34:44)

And America's Favorite Dog Is...

A new poll confirms that Labrador Retrievers are the most popular dogs in the United States.

- Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer tied for second place. 

- I woundn’t wanna be the guy who announced the results to the Pit Bulls.

*****

A recent study shows that the more time people spend on Facebook, the more unhappy they become in real life. 

- Wait… I thought spending your entire day on Facebook WAS real life!

- Apparently announcing that you’re having hamburgers and potato salad with your next door neighbors on fb depresses all the people you didn’t invite to the BBQ. 

- Anthony Weiner agreed with the survey, but said that for some reason using Twitter always perks him up. 

*****

Speaking of saddness…a Dutch University study found that people who shop when they’re depressed feel more sad and alone, which makes them shop more, and become even more depressed. 

- By the time they go home and check Facebook, they need Prozac. 

*****

In the wake of a Missouri rodeo clown being banned from Missouri Rodeo’s for performing in an Obama mask, The Missouri State Fair will force all clowns to undergo “sensitivity training”. 

- And yet all the clowns in Washington DC just keep on keepin’ on.

- Reaction from the clowns was mixed: Some looked really happy; Some looked really sad. 

*****

A Japanese company has unveiled a vending machine that dispenses bras.

- To make women feel better about themselves, they labeled every button on the machine 36 D.

- The creator must have been a woman since guys have no idea how to work anything that involves a bra. 

*****

Britney Spears’ financial documents show that she shops at the 99 Cents store and buys a lot of fast food and Cheetos.

- They also showed that while touring in Japan, she buys her bras out of vending machines, except for the days when she doesn’t wear any “underwear” at all.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast (#90)!

-Dick

"Say Cheese (Cake)!!!"

The Cheesecake Factory opens today at the Twelve Oaks Mall in Novi! (between Nordstrom and Lord & Taylor).

*****

And speaking of cheesecake…

An e-mail containing the bra cup sizes of all female Detroit Police Officers was accidentally sent to all the cops on the force. The intimate info was included in a listing of bullet-proof vests available for pick up. 

- The “A” cup officers are considering suing the Department in Small Claims Court.  

- To make it fair, the women are demanding that an email be sent out listing all of the male officers’ holser sizes. 

*****

In an effort to “Get Out The Vote”, the city of Detroit has put up Billboards reminding people to make their voice heard on “General Election Day…September 2nd”. The only problem is, the General Election is being held on November 5th. 

- And people wonder why the city had to file for bankruptcy. 

- If you do want to vote September 2nd, the lines should be really short since that’s Monday - Labor Day. 

*****

A new study found that it could be a sign of early dementia when people can’t recognize the faces of famous people, like JFK or Elvis. 

- Or it could just mean that the people shown the pictures are teenagers. 

In a related story…A University of Washington study found that dementia is linked to high blood sugar. 

- So I guess we should forget that whole “spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down” thing, since we’re going to forget it anyway.

*****

Michelle Obama is releasing a rap album as part of her fight against Childhood Obsesity, including the songs “U R What You Eat” and “Veggie Luv”. She’ll appear in cameos but leave the singing to rappers like Run DMC  & Doug E. Fresh.

- Eminem volunteered to be on the CD but she was afraid his name would encourage kids to eat candy.  

- The WH is asking anyone who knows of a rap group called “Steamed Brocolli” to give ‘em a call. 

*****

A Boston jury found mobster Whitey Bulger guilty of eleven murders. 

- Since he was originally charged with 19 murders…turns out Whitey’s not that bad a guy afterall. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#89) up now on the Homepage! 

-Dick 

Obama's Relationship With North's Parents Headed South!

President Obama complained that Kim Karsashian and Kanye West were redefining the American Dream into something “unobtainable”. Kim’s mom Kris Jenner fired back, “I was taught dream big, work hard and you can have whatever you want”. 

- Apparently Obama thinks people should try to emulate you know, “ordinary people” like Beyonce and Jay Z. 

*****

Reasearchers say the U.S. internet speed is ranked 23rd in the world. 

- But hey! At least we’re first in Obesity!!! And it’s always good to be first in something!  

*****

San Diego mayor Bob Filner left his intense sex rehab clinic earlier than expected. 

- He claims he wanted to get out ASAP so he could get back to his job: “Serving and Groping The People”.

*****

NASA announced that after one year the Mars Rover “Curiosity” has taken over 70,000 pictures. 

- Which is just slightly less than the number of pictures Anthony Weiner has taken of his little “Rover”. 

*****

A British University study found that sharing or over-sharing photos on Facebook can have a negative impact of your real relationships. 

- It’s true! Anthony Weiner uses Twitter instead of Facebook - and his wife is still with him!

- Especially if your wife sees the ones you posted of yourself at the strip club. 

*****

When Seattle writer Jane Catherine Lotter discovred she was dying, she wrote her own obituary. It was so well-written that it’s gone viral on the internet. 

- Critics weren’t impressed calling the “RIP” part “trite and overused”. 

- Ms. Lotter is the first writer in history who is literally dying to get published. 

*****

A gay California man says he was shocked to discover that on his medical records, his doctor had listed, “homosexual behavior” as a chronic condition he exhibits. 

- The patient denied it saying, “Hey…he’s the one who asked me to turn my head and cough!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #89: "The Story Lady Gives Us The Fieger!"

Welcome to the weekend and my 89th Podcast! Today Jackie and I share a mic with another former “Purtan’s Person”, Doctor Larry Lawson aka “The Story Lady” & “Wendell Ledbetter”,  two stable characters from my morning radio show. Well, okay, they weren’t really all that stable… 

We start things off with a discussion of lawyers Sam Bernstein and the always scintillating Geoffrey Fieger. (Fieger got an advanced copy of the Podcast and demanded that we call him “scintillating” or he’d sue us).

Then get ready for a jolt - Starbucks is opening a new store inside a funeral home. (Which leads visitors to say “He looks so peaceful…but a little jittery at the same time.”)

You’ll also hear about Jackie’s large collection of stolen silverware - and how it came into her possession one piece at a time. (It wasn’t pre-mediated, honest!)

And if there’s anyone who doesn’t need to steal silverware or anything else, it’s Larry. He reveals how his son Jeff is the founder and CEO of a multi-million dollar internet company. When I heard about it, I decided to have Jeff on the Podcast instead of Larry…but he didn’t return my call.  

Larry recently wed his 2nd wife Myra, who he promised to “Love for all internally”. Wanting to save the day, I quickly remind him that that’s “Love for all externally”. Thankfully, Jackie finally corrects us both. 

And since he’s been traveling, Larry pulls a fast one on me with a translation book so he can speak like a native while visiting Latin American countries. Let’s just say you can call me “E Pluribus Dumb-One”.

There’s also a “Story Lady” just like the one from days gone by, and an explanation of how interchanging the words “Tourism” and “Terrorism” almost landed Larry and me in the Canadain Hooscow during a radio road trip. 

There’s tons more so grab some coffee (preferably not from a funeral home) and click on Podcast #89!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday! 

Dick 

Purtan Podcast #89  (40:28)

Who's Your Daddy???

Stanford University researchers say that every man on the planet can trace their origin to a single man who lived 135,000 years ago. 

- So apparently cavemen could figure out how to make fire…but condoms? Not so much. 

- Ironically, he told his wife he didn’t want kids. 

 - He’s also the first guy to ever ask his wife to make him a Woolly Mammoth sandwich with mustard and mayo.

*****

“Little Red” a domestic off-shoot of Virgin Airlines will begin providing in-flight stand-up comedy and musical acts on their flights between England and Scotland. 

- $5 bucks says the first comic says, “I’m flying from England to Scotland…and boy are my arms tired!” 

- Virgin owner Robert Branson says he guarantees passengers will be “rolling in the aisle”. 

*****

After decades of rising, obesity rates among preschooolers fell from 2008 to 2011. 

- It’s not that the kids ate less, it’s just that like their parents, they threw up after watching so many episodes of “Dora the Explorer”. 

- The news has prompted TV producers to rename a popular show, “The Tele-Not-So-Tubbies”. 

*****

A Japanese company has created a toilet that can be flushed with a cell phone. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to “butt dialing”. 

- I guess using the handle on the toilet was just too much to ask of people. 

*****

The porn company that porduced Deep Throat is suing the makers of the new movie biopic “Lovelace” for infringing on their intellectual property. 

- If porn is “intellectual property”…then Charlie Sheen should be the President of Mensa. 

*****

ABC News editor Don Emmis, who decided he was transgender in 1999 and began living as a woman named Donna, suddenly realized he had amnesia and is really a man. He/She has stopped wearing dresses and switched back to the name Don. 

- Don said he’s holdin on to his collection of designer pums and matching bags…just in case. 

- The news has given Cher hope that someday her son Chaz may actually wear the wedding dress she save for her daughter Chastity.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast (#89)!

- Dick

Bush Praises Heart Doc...Sez "It's Hard Work...It Really Is!!!"

Former President George W. Bush (#43) underwent successful surgery at a Dallas hospital Tuesday to place a stent in a blocked artery. 

- He said he’s feeling good and will now be referred to as “The Stent-en-a-tor”.

- He’s now eligible to play in Dick Cheney’s “Blocked Artery Poker Game” every Tuesday.  

*****

FYI…In the Detroit Mayoral Primary, write-in candidate Mike Duggan won with about 53% of the vote; Benny Napoleon came in second with 30%. The two will face off against each other in November. 

****

Anthony Weiner refused to release his medical records or get a certification of mental fitness, but insists that he is fit for office. 

- Shouldn’t his wife Huma be the one taking the mental health evaluation? 

*****

AccuWeather has unveiled a new 45-day weather forecast. 

- Pretty amazing for people who can’t accurately predict whether it’s going to rain this afternoon. 

*****

Due to Russia’s decision to grant NSA leaker Edward Snowden asylum, President Obama has cancelled a scheduled meeting in Moscow with Vladimir Putin next month. 

- Obama rushed to get the news out before Snowden had a chance to leak it. 

- In his place, Dennis Rodman has already packed his bags and bought a bottle of Vodka as a Kremlin-Warming gift. 

*****

Asked if the ousting of Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was a coup, a US State Department spokeswoman said, “We have determined that we do not need to make a determination.”

- Well, you gotta admit they’re determined. 

*****

There’s a new app created in Japan designed to help women lose weight. It features men that make insulting comments. 

- It’s intended for singles, since most married women already have a guy who fufilled that role. 

*****

Sewer workers in London found a lump of fat the size of a double-decker bus clogging the sewage system.

- This is what happens when American celebrities sneak off to England for liposuction.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

"Telephones Are A Girls Best Friend???"

A new book claims that Marilyn Monroe called Jackie Kennedy and confessed that she was having an affair with JFK. 

- She was actually calling to have phone sex with John, but Jackie happened to pick up.

- Experts don’t know why Marilyn didn’t just talk to Jackie in person since she was staying in the Lincoln Bedroom at the time. 

- Some people claim she was also sleeping with LBJ. I don’t think even Lady Bird wanted to sleep with LBJ. 

*****

President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday on Sunday. 

- Now even Obama is starting to wonder about the alleged “Death Panels” in Obamacare. 

- The whole staff at Fox News chipped in and got him one of those free Obama phones. 

*****

For the second time in a month, accused murdered and NFL player Aaron Hernandez has lost a relative to a “freak accident”. His Uncle died after crashing his Moped and he was not wearing a helmet. 

- The Hitmen Hernandez hired said the hardest part of the job was convincing Aaron’s Uncle not to wear a helmet. 

*****

Ellen DeGeneres has been chosen as the next host of the Oscars.

- Producers say she funny, popular and there’s no way a bunch of guys are gonna dance around singing, “We Saw Your Boobs”. 

*****

Just days after leaving rehab, Lindsay Lohan has vowed to “stay on the road to recovery”. 

- The only way Lindsay’s gonna stay on any road is if she hires a driver. 

*****

A new MLB report out later today is expected  to suspend Alex Rodriguez possibly for all time, and 50 other players, including Tiger Johnny Peralta, for 50 games or more for using PED’s. 

- That will give them plenty of time to bulk up on steroids in preparation for next year’s home opener. 

- A lot of baseball fans are upset with A-Rod who they now refer to as A-Somthing Else. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday. And don’t forget to check out Podcast #88 up now on the Homepage!

-Dick